Wowsers - what a week of major anxiety! I'm just now feeling like a normal human being again.
I've never experienced anything like this before. I was sensitive to everything! It was like having a migraine without the headache part of it. Every sound made my skin crawl. I was in panic over the idea of someone, mostly my husband or girls, getting too close to me. I didn't want to be touched, breathed on, or looked at. My heart was beating fast and I was on the verge of tears for 3 days.
I tried to fall asleep at night using breathing techniques, Reiki and meditation - nothing worked. The next day I was exhausted.
I decided on a new plan.
I'm going to pray the rosary.
First, a little history. I was brought up Roman Catholic. I went through a mild rebellion after University and sought out alternative ideas. Part of it was sheer interest and another part of me was angry about the fear-based ideas I learned in school. To this day I still worry the skies will darken, fires will burst up all around my house and the devil disguised as my loved ones will be clamoring at the door, begging to be let in.
I've made peace with Catholicism. I take what I need from it - whatever feels good.
I used to pray the rosary when I was a kid. I'd cozy up in bed and say as many Hail Marys and Our Fathers as I could before I fell asleep. One night, I was 14 years old at the time, I even committed to staying awake and praying the whole thing. To superpower the experience, I dedicated each prayer to someone I loved. Then something happened.
My rosary turned gold!
I freaked out!
I don't even think I told my parents. I figured no one would believe me anyway.
This rosary has remained in my bedside table over the years, often untouched. I pulled it out the other night and let the rhythm of the prayers ease my mind and relax me. I prayed for myself. Each prayer was a shower of love onto me. I saw love pour down on me as I prayed. I projected love onto past and future versions of myself. It was a wonderfully comforting and reassuring experience.
That night, I slept fantastically.
My anxiety has dissipated and I've been rockin' the rosary for the past 3 nights.
The other day I was on the road and pulled up behind a car.
The bumper sticker read: Pray the rosary.
I love how the Universe works!
Monday, 29 July 2013
Thursday, 25 July 2013
Manifesting salads and parking spots
I spend a lot of time letting my thoughts run amuck. My mind reels out of control and before I know it, I'm on the verge of an anxiety attack. I reach for my Rescue Remedy spray and give myself two squirts on the tongue. What brought this on? What was I thinking about that led me down this spiral of heart pounding panic? I don't know. I don't know because I wasn't paying attention. I let my life live me. I was "asleep".
Lately I've been practicing Segment Intending. I stop at various points in my day and ask myself, how do I want this to go? It takes me about 20 seconds to think about how I want to feel and what I would really like to have happen in the next chunk of time.
I am waking up though.
I can pick the thoughts that enter my consciousness!
When I select my thoughts with intention, I can create my life the way I want it to be.
Here's an example:
As I drive to the grocery store, I take a moment to think about my intentions for dinner.
How do I want dinner time to go?
I want an array of salads! It's too hot to cook. I want it to be easy and fun for the whole family. Healthy would be a bonus too.
I want an array of salads! It's too hot to cook. I want it to be easy and fun for the whole family. Healthy would be a bonus too.
I roll into a full parking lot and score the closest spot to the door. As I push my girls in the cart through the aisles, I spot exactly what I dreamed up! A tray of 4 different cold salads. I have never seen anything like this before. Fantastic! At the checkout, my 5 year-old puts all the groceries on the belt and even helps pack the bags - I didn't even have to ask her.
So how come last week, both kids were screaming and hanging from the cart by their toes? Why did I get a grumpy cashier? Why did I have to circle the store 4 time because I kept forgetting things?
I didn't set my intention. I put my thoughts and feelings on automatic pilot.
Getting what I wanted at the grocery store may not sound like a magnificant feat, but for me, living a day in a good mood is 1000X better than living it in a bad mood. When we feel good, we attract more of the same. When we complain, we get more things to complain about.
Try setting an intention now. How do you want to feel in the next hour or so of your life? It doesn't matter if you are leaving for an appointment, making dinner or cleaning the toilets. Do you want it to feel easy, breezy? How about simple and fun? Engaging and exciting maybe! Quiet and restorative might fit the bill.
It's up to you!
Everything is up to you.
You are a creator!
Getting what I wanted at the grocery store may not sound like a magnificant feat, but for me, living a day in a good mood is 1000X better than living it in a bad mood. When we feel good, we attract more of the same. When we complain, we get more things to complain about.
Try setting an intention now. How do you want to feel in the next hour or so of your life? It doesn't matter if you are leaving for an appointment, making dinner or cleaning the toilets. Do you want it to feel easy, breezy? How about simple and fun? Engaging and exciting maybe! Quiet and restorative might fit the bill.
It's up to you!
Everything is up to you.
You are a creator!
Writing and bird poop
One way to let your creativity flow is to write. Stick with me on this one. I used to laugh at people who wrote in journals. Secretly I was scared to do it. Number one, I was worried that someone would find and read my innermost thoughts and feelings. Secondly, I thought writing wouldn't be any more productive than just thinking my thoughts. Boy was I wrong.
I got myself a plain ol' spiral ring notebook, not those fancy journals at Chapters, because then I have to write all pretty and come up with something really fantastic to journal about. Then I just started writing. I put pen to paper and let my pen move. I have a zillion thoughts in my head, so I just kept moving my pen.
Try it! See what happens if you just start writing. No topic, no expectations, just write. It really helps to open up your intuitive side.
Here's what happened when I sat and wrote whatever came to mind in about 1 minute. I was shocked at what came out. I didn't edit it. I'm sure there are probably rules associated with this type of writing, but who cares - it felt awesome flowing it out of my brain and onto the paper. No rules!
Where would I be if I was a chicken?
Eating gravel or dust.
Mites are gross, they look like sand.
Sandy beaches and balmy breezes, that's what I seeses.
Seas are grand oceans and sand is gritty,
like walking in a tunnel under the city.
The salt falls from the ceiling and it hurts your knees when you are kneeling.
Knees get gritty and crunchy sore,
it's like a sting I want no more.
More ease and flow with each step I take,
I want that and that is what I shall make.
It's like making pizza, this life we live.
Make your own, order it by phone.
Toppings are endless, some are fresh, others are canned.
Eat it up. Enjoy a glass of wine.
Someday you'll realize, it's all been just fine.
If you wrote something cool - I want to read it - honestly. Even if the only thing that landed on your paper was bird poop - take a picture and send it to me!
I got myself a plain ol' spiral ring notebook, not those fancy journals at Chapters, because then I have to write all pretty and come up with something really fantastic to journal about. Then I just started writing. I put pen to paper and let my pen move. I have a zillion thoughts in my head, so I just kept moving my pen.
Try it! See what happens if you just start writing. No topic, no expectations, just write. It really helps to open up your intuitive side.
Here's what happened when I sat and wrote whatever came to mind in about 1 minute. I was shocked at what came out. I didn't edit it. I'm sure there are probably rules associated with this type of writing, but who cares - it felt awesome flowing it out of my brain and onto the paper. No rules!
Where would I be if I was a chicken?
Eating gravel or dust.
Mites are gross, they look like sand.
Sandy beaches and balmy breezes, that's what I seeses.
Seas are grand oceans and sand is gritty,
like walking in a tunnel under the city.
The salt falls from the ceiling and it hurts your knees when you are kneeling.
Knees get gritty and crunchy sore,
it's like a sting I want no more.
More ease and flow with each step I take,
I want that and that is what I shall make.
It's like making pizza, this life we live.
Make your own, order it by phone.
Toppings are endless, some are fresh, others are canned.
Eat it up. Enjoy a glass of wine.
Someday you'll realize, it's all been just fine.
If you wrote something cool - I want to read it - honestly. Even if the only thing that landed on your paper was bird poop - take a picture and send it to me!
Sunday, 21 July 2013
I am who I am
It's so easy to seek validation and love outside of ourselves. I can do all sorts of things to make others happy, but I'm not as easily pleased. I have super high expectations of myself and I often leave the job of being loved to other people. I realized that when I feed on the compliments, the "good job, Kelly" and the "you are so awesome", I run out of sustenance quickly. If I'm not careful, I unknowingly go out to seek more approval to get that high feeling again.
I want to cultivate my own source of love. I have an unending supply of love, energy and wellness inside. I am pure love. It's within me, I just don't tap into it.
The other day I tried to see myself as God does. I want to see myself through the lens of love.
As I raised my voice and ordered my girls to "hurry up, we've got to go now or we'll be late!!!", it was hard to see love and perfection. When I was grumpy before dinner because I'm hungry and I should know better and eat a late afternoon snack so I don't blow my top - I struggled to see myself as a being of love.
A friend of mine reminded me of the lyrics to Popeye's song: I'm Popeye the sailor man, I am what I am and that's all what I am, I'm Popeye the sailor man.
I modified this a bit and my mantra as of late is: I am who I am. It has been freeing to say the least. As I say this to myself, it brings me a sense of acceptance. As I begin to accept myself in all situations, good or bad, I allow that stream of love within me to flow again.
I want to cultivate my own source of love. I have an unending supply of love, energy and wellness inside. I am pure love. It's within me, I just don't tap into it.
The other day I tried to see myself as God does. I want to see myself through the lens of love.
As I raised my voice and ordered my girls to "hurry up, we've got to go now or we'll be late!!!", it was hard to see love and perfection. When I was grumpy before dinner because I'm hungry and I should know better and eat a late afternoon snack so I don't blow my top - I struggled to see myself as a being of love.
A friend of mine reminded me of the lyrics to Popeye's song: I'm Popeye the sailor man, I am what I am and that's all what I am, I'm Popeye the sailor man.
I modified this a bit and my mantra as of late is: I am who I am. It has been freeing to say the least. As I say this to myself, it brings me a sense of acceptance. As I begin to accept myself in all situations, good or bad, I allow that stream of love within me to flow again.
Wednesday, 10 July 2013
Feelings - The language of the Universe
When I woke up this morning, the first thought I had was - I am not going to the gym today. This thought was 15% grogginess and 85% gut feeling.
It's really hard to undo all the programming I've received during the span of my life, like: exercise X number of times a week, eat this, be nice, push hard, stand up, sit down....
It's not that I've been given wrong advice or poor examples to live by, it's just that I am shifting into a more feeling based way of living and hard and fast rules and blanket guidelines just don't seem to fit in my unique experience.
My dad taught me to trust my feelings. Since I was little he always said, "Kelly, one day you are going to get a feeling and you will need to make a decision." In his dad way, he was trying to tell me to get the hell out of a situation if something dangerous was going down. He was trying to protect me. I finally understand him now that I have my own children. I realize that statements like "Don't talk to strangers", "Hide" and "Run" are not going to keep me or my girls safe. What IS going to keep us safe is to rely on our own feelings in any given situation. A stranger might be someone's saving grace in a terrible situation. Every situation is different and we must trust what we think is best for us in that moment. This is true when we decide to have pancakes instead of a smoothie for breakfast. It's true when we decide to push ourselves harder than ever before at the gym or on a run, instead of taking it easy. And tomorrow when you wake up and your body is telling you to have a smoothie and take a nap, well, that's true too!
How can we possibly know every infinite detail of our Universe in any given moment and then use our brain to figure out what we should do? I've always been taught to gather as much information as I can before I make my final decision. Should I buy a Ninja blender or a Vitamix? Sometimes I become paralyzed in the details and end up doing nothing at all!
You know what is a whole lot faster than reading dozens of reviews online before buying a new camera? Use the language of the Universe - your emotions!
Try it. Hold your vitamins, your phone or your old comfy t-shirt in your hands. Be quiet and tune into your feelings. How do you feel when you are connected with this object? What thoughts arise and what emotions come up as these thoughts pass through your mind?
The only thing that matters, are your emotions. We live in an energy based Universe. We are all made up of energy and you are either in alignment and attracting something or you are not. Your emotions tell you if you are in or out of sync with something. Your emotional guidance system will lead you in the right direction every time! Your emotions and gut feelings line you up with the food, medicine, situations and people that you need in your life in any given moment.
So I am practicing NOT doing what I THINK I SHOULD do. Instead, I am cultivating my inner emotional guidance system and learning to trust what I feel is the right thing for me, in the unique and never to be replicated moments in my life.
It's really hard to undo all the programming I've received during the span of my life, like: exercise X number of times a week, eat this, be nice, push hard, stand up, sit down....
It's not that I've been given wrong advice or poor examples to live by, it's just that I am shifting into a more feeling based way of living and hard and fast rules and blanket guidelines just don't seem to fit in my unique experience.
My dad taught me to trust my feelings. Since I was little he always said, "Kelly, one day you are going to get a feeling and you will need to make a decision." In his dad way, he was trying to tell me to get the hell out of a situation if something dangerous was going down. He was trying to protect me. I finally understand him now that I have my own children. I realize that statements like "Don't talk to strangers", "Hide" and "Run" are not going to keep me or my girls safe. What IS going to keep us safe is to rely on our own feelings in any given situation. A stranger might be someone's saving grace in a terrible situation. Every situation is different and we must trust what we think is best for us in that moment. This is true when we decide to have pancakes instead of a smoothie for breakfast. It's true when we decide to push ourselves harder than ever before at the gym or on a run, instead of taking it easy. And tomorrow when you wake up and your body is telling you to have a smoothie and take a nap, well, that's true too!
How can we possibly know every infinite detail of our Universe in any given moment and then use our brain to figure out what we should do? I've always been taught to gather as much information as I can before I make my final decision. Should I buy a Ninja blender or a Vitamix? Sometimes I become paralyzed in the details and end up doing nothing at all!
You know what is a whole lot faster than reading dozens of reviews online before buying a new camera? Use the language of the Universe - your emotions!
Try it. Hold your vitamins, your phone or your old comfy t-shirt in your hands. Be quiet and tune into your feelings. How do you feel when you are connected with this object? What thoughts arise and what emotions come up as these thoughts pass through your mind?
The only thing that matters, are your emotions. We live in an energy based Universe. We are all made up of energy and you are either in alignment and attracting something or you are not. Your emotions tell you if you are in or out of sync with something. Your emotional guidance system will lead you in the right direction every time! Your emotions and gut feelings line you up with the food, medicine, situations and people that you need in your life in any given moment.
So I am practicing NOT doing what I THINK I SHOULD do. Instead, I am cultivating my inner emotional guidance system and learning to trust what I feel is the right thing for me, in the unique and never to be replicated moments in my life.
Tuesday, 9 July 2013
I miss my sub
When I got a bonus from my first real job after graduating from University, I knew exactly what I was going to spend it on - a sub-woofer for my car. I felt pretty cool when the technician who installed it said there weren't too many girls getting a 10" Alpine speaker and Rockford Fosgate amp. for the trunk of of their car. I was a hip hop queen! I rolled my windows down (that's right no electric windows on my Mazda Protegé) and cranked my music so I could feel the bass through my whole body. I loved it!
But alas, my life has changed a bit since my 20s and the back of my vehicle now contains 2 car seats, a yoga mat and lots of beach sand and cheerios. I wouldn't trade that for anything, although maybe I could squeeze in a new sound system when the girls get older and I'm not so worried about damaging their eardrums.
Today I feel fantastic! The blue skies make me want to sing and dance. Everything is wonderful - today. I know to ride the waves. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. I know that I have a very strong influence on the life I live and create for myself.
We've got to ejoy life and live each day as our true selves.
Maybe I'll get dreadlocks in my hair, I've wanted to do that for over a decade. Or maybe that's just my craving to really let my true self come through - to show everyone, look, here I am! I was here all along and now I'm ready to show you who I really am.
I saw you all driving home from work, making dinner, walking around...
We are all here together, to make it fun and worthwhile.
I just want you - the real you.
I just want me - the real me.
But alas, my life has changed a bit since my 20s and the back of my vehicle now contains 2 car seats, a yoga mat and lots of beach sand and cheerios. I wouldn't trade that for anything, although maybe I could squeeze in a new sound system when the girls get older and I'm not so worried about damaging their eardrums.
Today I feel fantastic! The blue skies make me want to sing and dance. Everything is wonderful - today. I know to ride the waves. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. I know that I have a very strong influence on the life I live and create for myself.
We've got to ejoy life and live each day as our true selves.
Maybe I'll get dreadlocks in my hair, I've wanted to do that for over a decade. Or maybe that's just my craving to really let my true self come through - to show everyone, look, here I am! I was here all along and now I'm ready to show you who I really am.
I saw you all driving home from work, making dinner, walking around...
We are all here together, to make it fun and worthwhile.
I just want you - the real you.
I just want me - the real me.
Wednesday, 3 July 2013
Guilty
I feel it in my gut. The guilt is big and heavy and travels all the way up into my throat. I almost feel like I could be sick. It's so uncomfortable I have to hold myself back from getting off the couch.
I feel guilty for doing nothing!
I'm not committing a mortal sin here, I'm just resting, but it feels like I'm committing a crime.
Guilt is self punishment, so I obviously view my current couch sitting activity as the worst way possible to spend time. I could be making dinner while my daughter naps! There is laundry to do. The list goes on.
I want to feel comfortable and joyous when I do what my body-mind needs. I'm getting better at listening to and reacting to those cues, but still I doubt. Logic takes over and I start to judge myself and poo-poo my emotional guidance system. By linking in to my emotions and my intuition - magic happens! It's scary just leaping out into my day with no plan. Sometimes I start driving down the road with a list of errands to run in my mind. When I feel a strong and good attraction to one in particular, I go in that direction. Sometimes it makes no sense to drive out of my way to get groceries, or arrive at a store before it opens, but I'm learning to trust. When I trust my gut and my intuition, things magically work out. I get what I'm asking for in record time. Things manifest super fast!
I'm learning the language and laws of the universe. It's all about energy and attraction. It's all here inside of me. This is so exciting!
I feel guilty for doing nothing!
I'm not committing a mortal sin here, I'm just resting, but it feels like I'm committing a crime.
Guilt is self punishment, so I obviously view my current couch sitting activity as the worst way possible to spend time. I could be making dinner while my daughter naps! There is laundry to do. The list goes on.
I want to feel comfortable and joyous when I do what my body-mind needs. I'm getting better at listening to and reacting to those cues, but still I doubt. Logic takes over and I start to judge myself and poo-poo my emotional guidance system. By linking in to my emotions and my intuition - magic happens! It's scary just leaping out into my day with no plan. Sometimes I start driving down the road with a list of errands to run in my mind. When I feel a strong and good attraction to one in particular, I go in that direction. Sometimes it makes no sense to drive out of my way to get groceries, or arrive at a store before it opens, but I'm learning to trust. When I trust my gut and my intuition, things magically work out. I get what I'm asking for in record time. Things manifest super fast!
I'm learning the language and laws of the universe. It's all about energy and attraction. It's all here inside of me. This is so exciting!
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