Feel the fear and do it anyway

I can't hold back who I naturally am. No one can. 

I've heard it said that, trying to hold back your true self is like pushing a beach ball into the water, it will always come up.

It's a lot of work to stifle one's true nature.

 

So I go from one extreme to the other. 

 

For months at a time I'll do what comes naturally; channeling, talking to spirit, sensing energy around me and all sorts of clairsentient type stuff.

 

Then all of a sudden, I will shut it all off.

 

I pretend like none of that stuff actually happened.

 

Who am I anyway? What do I know? This isn't normal.

 

The thing is, it is getting more difficult to push that beach ball down into the water. I'm tired. I'm also scared. What is going to happen when I let everything float to the surface? 

 

What am I capable of? 

 

We hold ourselves back don't we?

 

The words, feel the fear and do it anyway, keep popping in my head.

 

We all have something inside yearning to reach the light. We get insecure; we judge ourselves and question our own existence. We push it back down where no one can see it. Maybe we get brave and let some of it slip through the cracks. 

 

I've come to recognize when I need to take action in the direction of my deepest desires - two things happen simultaneously. 

One, I feel like a piece of me might die if I take that next step forward; and two, I feel like a piece of me might die if I stay where I am.

What do I do?

Feel the fear and do it anyway.

This is going to be exciting!



 

Are we having fun yet?

My dad asks me on a regular basis, "Are we having fun yet?"
He's referring to life and all the cool things that happen in this magical Universe.

I'm like a little kid when my dad and I get talking.

I bounce on my feet waiting in anticipation of his car door opening so I can launch into my most recent story of synchronicity and manifestation.

As we walk up the driveway toward my house, barely a hello exchanged, I start on my rant.

"You are not going to believe this! Something so cool happened to me today!"

Walking beside him like a puppy, I continue, "This morning I had a thought - and it came true!"

He listened to my whole story. I playfully slap my dad on the arm waiting for his reaction. He gives me a big grin.

I continued, "You're not going to believe what else happened! This morning I thought, I really need to get the ducts cleaned."

My dad is very patient and he listens with great interest as if I found a UFO in the backyard.

"Not even 2 hours go by and a duct cleaning company calls me randomly from the phonebook and asks if they can come by and give me a quote - How cool is that?!" I say in one breath.

My dad laughs and looks at me with knowing eyes.

We spend the rest of the afternoon talking about how the Universe is within us and how we create our reality. We talk about life as if it's a candy shop.

We often ask each other; "What do you want?" 
I wave my hand around in a magical wand sort of way and say "Poof!" We both smile.

Once upon a time my dad was diagnosed with cancer (Non-hodgkins lymphoma). It seems so odd to associate him with the idea of cancer, probably because he doesn't. He's pretty nonchalant about the idea. He doesn't give it much attention. Sure he gets nervous when a regular check-up shows that his lymph nodes have swelled up. More often than not though, we are celebrating the reports that have his oncologist scratching her head in disbelief.

Now it's my dad's turn to share his stories of manifestation.
I can hear the smile in his voice over the phone when he tells me; "My check-up went really well! My lymph nodes are unusually small for someone with cancer."

I'm smiling right now as I recall this recent conversation.

Dad often jokes; "I'm going to die of something, but it probably won't be cancer."

Is it the dandelion roots he digs up in the backyard and adds to his stir fries? Is it the meditation he does before he falls asleep? Is it his green smoothies?

Maybe.

Maybe it's his excitement about life. He loves life. He loves living! He has a great atitude too. I can't remember the last time I heard him complain about something.

Often my dad says, "I'm so rich." He's talking about his family, his friends and this cool life experience.

What we put our attention on, grows.

What do you want?

Wave your magic wand.

Poof!

My awesome and crappy painting

Lately I've been doing some artwork - acrylic on canvas.

I'm pissed off.

I just finished an abstract 8x11 and I want to cry.

Here's my internal dialogue:
Why did I pick that colour? It's ugly. Maybe someone will like it - I sure as hell don't. I just wasted my time. It was so pretty, then I messed it up. I hate this. Why am I even doing this? Maybe I'll get famous. If I could just figure out how to put the right colours together, then it might be worthy of showing it off.

Funny, I keep walking by my artwork, hoping it will change, hoping I'll love it all of a sudden. As I was painting and swirling and mixing colours, I couldn't stop my mind from wondering if someone else would like it. Part of me felt that it wasn't worth doing if another person wasn't going to love it.

The thing is, the process of creating my painting was so much fun. I almost cried happy tears as I experienced feelings of sheer joy and satisfaction. It wasn't until I brought the idea of someone else into the mix, that I got all pissy.

It's a process.

I want to do more. I want to get to a place where I let my creativity flow through me without holding back, without questioning whether it's right or wrong.

At the end of one of my yoga DVDs, the instructor says, self-acceptance is one of the highest practices.
Yeah, and it's one of the most difficult!